My December/Christmas break was.. stressful as shit. (what’s new, right?)
I feel like it’s the same old story over and over again. I’m stressed and I’m continuously weaving between keeping my heart open and it snapping shut. For the past 100 posts (gahd…that’s too much me…) I’ve ebbed and flowed my way through heartbreak, shit tons of rando hook ups, a fluid and changing sexuality and here I am…probably worse off than I was before. It could keep on like this forever.
So Christmas break was stressful as fuck. I was worried about my bosses and one guy that I’d previously hooked up with and had a very embarrassing situation with…whom actually continued to talk to me which blew my mind. I was worried about sucking at work. I was tired. I was worried about all of the reckless decisions I’d made with my vagina and whether that makes me a slut or not worthy of love or whatever. (OBVS we all know that that does NOT make me any less of a person, I can bang whomever I want whenever I want. My bod. No regrets.) And there was one night when I was laying in bed at my parents’ house, freaking out, and I decided that if I had more compassion in my heart, maybe I would be a better person and my karma would be awesome and I wouldn’t have to deal with that stress. TBH, I wasn’t even thinking about ma’heart being open. I just wanted out of the self-made stress hell that I was in.
I closed my eyes and tried to feel my heart. Gone. It was no longer there. I tried to think of all of the amazing people that I just hope are happy. I thought about my niece and nephew, my family. I started to feel my heart again. Then i thought about the people that I don’t want to succeed simply for selfish reasons. The people I’m envious of, the ones who I kind of just hope a little bit that they get a shitty haircut and are no longer like 10x more amazing than I am… and I let myself just start hoping they’re happy. Realizing that it had nothing to do with me. And then I thought of the people that I really just don’t like…and I tried really hard to have compassion for those people. I wanted them to be happy too. Why? because why shouldn’t we all be happy? we’re all people just trying to get through this crap.
And then I fell asleep thinking that it didn’t do anything for me.
The next day, about halfway through the day, I realized that my heart felt a little lighter. I didn’t have the shitty feelings against other people that I previously had. It felt good. And then it happened. My heart opened up…just a little crack, but it opened.
The lesson, my darlings, is that it’s not all about us. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to ease up on other people. Compassion, bitches. That’s what it’s all about.
Stay lovely. And listen to The Vaccines. They’re inspiring as shit.