It seems like I never get over this. It’s just like a soft, apathetic, steady bleh feeling. My therapist says that I need to just accept it. Have a sense of humor about it….do what I was already doing. She says it’ll go away if I lean into it.
What does that even mean? Well, it means that I just need to accept it. Just go with it. And maybe make it kind of funny. If I’m going to be an apathetic dick, I’m going to be the most apathetic dickhead (and hilarious) ever.
And so I’m leaning…
Keeping le heart open….is rough when you’re generally apathetic or irritated. But I’m working on it.
I’m starting these lists…Lists of the things I’m grateful for. Lists of what’s beautiful about Fargo. Lists of the things I love. Lists of the wonderful things that happened in just one day. It keeps me honest. It keeps me from hiding away in “nothing’s good enough”.
One Fargo positive? I have time to think about this stuff again. I can take a step back. Watch the world from miles away. I can see the bigger patterns in how they do what they do. And why. You know on movies when someone hasn’t seen another person for a while, they hold them at arm’s length and take a good look at them? I think we spend too much time face-to-face with our lives. We’re all up in that shit. But if we take some time, take a few steps back and hold the world at arm’s length, we get to see it a little better.
So maybe we should step back, see what’s going on. Look at the scenery. Nobody dies thinking “I wish I’d worked more”. Or “I wish I’d sold out”. Or “I wish I didn’t go on that trip”. Or “I wish I hadn’t reconnected with long lost family or friends…”
I’m at a point where I’m absolutely free. I’ve got no one on the sidelines. I’m not randomly banging anyone anymore. And….i guess… right now, I’m completely open to some spark that lights my heart on fire again. It’s been a while…and last time, I had to fight through a closed-off heart. Now, I’ve got time to figure this shit out. Maybe it’s the news (my GOD, I’m a gigantic news nerd. I can’t get away from learning about what’s going on in the world…this, THIS, sets my heart on fire. ), maybe it’s something else.
I’m not one to talk about happiness or my heart right now, because that shit is on apathy leave. But in writing my feelings out, and with a little distance (and some Ted Talks), I’m figuring it out….I’m leaning into it.
ahhhh, hopefully I keep up the posts now….
Until next time, little lovely darlings, stay wonderful and however you feel right now, lean into it…