Brave.

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I haven’t written in a while. I’m sorry. I’ve been moving and sad and happy and just trying to settle into life in the Great North.

There’s something about leaving everything you know to live where you’ve never been. I’ve been trying to build a place here where I can be happy, but really, all I can do is sit around (force myself to go running when I start becoming a real asshole) and watch True Blood. MY LORD, that fucking show is so good, and so fucking hot, I could die.  I will die.Image

Le. Sigh.  Someone get me a towel.  That shit is so hot.

I’ve been going nuts. I talk to my cat and the characters on the show.  I wake up every morning fucking miserable.  I have NOT been a pleasant person.  Why? Because I’m sad, I miss my friends and family, my job is stressful, it snows fucking nonstop up here.  It’s just not home…yet.

Bravery.  The last time I truly remember being really brave is when I was dating my first girlfriend.  I knew that I had to make it so we could be together.  But I was a girl from Colorado, with no real experience and a shitty GPA, who was still a year away from graduating.  How was I going to get a job in NYC so I could be with this woman that I was so in love with?  I had no fucking idea.  But I was relentless.  I stayed up all night applying for any and every job.  I was so in love, all I did was think about her and talk to her.  It had to happen.  After a week or so of applying for internships and jobs, I got an internship at a PR agency in NYC.  I was blown away.  That shit never happened to me.  I had no idea how — but I just kept trying, no matter what, and I did it. And I packed up my life, in 3 suitcases, and moved to the east coast for love.   [she eventually kicked me out and we ended in not such a friendly way, but the point remains the same.  I loved her/I wanted to be with her so much that I just made it happen].  I cant remember another time when I’ve been so brave.

So I’m focusing on opening my heart and having compassion. I’m not there.  I’m definitely still a gigantic asshole, but I’ve been taking this time to learn about my life. To remember what I forgot while I was having so much fun in Denver.  To focus on me.  Here’s what I know:

  • I forgot what it’s like to not talk about me.  (kind of funny, because this entire blog is about me)
  • I forgot how to be brave. I’m reminding myself that I can do anything, I just need to be brave.
  • I’m learning to value what I have from a distance.  I love my friends and family, and miss them, but when you’re away, you learn alot about how you can love people from far away just the same as you can while you’re around them.
  • Just when I thought I was done learning how to open my heart, here I am.  Learning again.

There’s more, I’m sure.  I can never get my thoughts out in a nice neat way.  For now, I’ve taken too much time away from my friends in Bon Temps. 

Stay brave, my loves.

XoL

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Oh, hai blog. It’s a meeeee, MARRRIIIIOOOOOOO

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So I got my heart broken.  It was all broken and shit.  And then I started being all crazy and going out and thirsting for experiences.  And now….I’m back.

I’ve gotten some crazy stories and a few tattoos and….maybe I’ll let it all out in future posts…for now– what I’ve learned during my time away from you:

  • There is no such thing as a right way to go about your life.  You just have to do it.
  • Therapy is a smart fucking thing to do — get a therapist.
  • Your heart will only hold onto things as long as it needs to.  No longer, no less.
  • Following your heart, while painful, is healthy.  And love is love. 

So my bosses are moving me to Fargo.  At first, I freaked out.  And then I realized that I have so much more to learn and maybe this is what’s supposed to happen.  So now, the second part of the Open Heart Chronicles is keeping an open heart in Fargo — or maybe re-opening it.  

I’ve had two lovers since my last post.  One, I thought was perfect and realized that I didn’t need that heart anymore.  The other, interesting and unique – sweet and douchey – funny and absolutely a part of this piece of my life.  My heart went to both…one I’ll see again, the other I probably won’t. 

Either way.  No regrets:

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Just a tiny update.  Be wonderful, my lovely bloggites.  Be you.

xxL

Mid-air ragefest.

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[I’m in an airplane and a rage as well…to clear up the title…]

I’m amazed. I’m a total dick lately, but also, pretty amazed. It seems the universe rocks me some pretty amazing friends whilst dying of a broken heart (ok. now we’re being a little TOO dramatic.)

 

I had the pleasure of hanging out with two of the coolest monsters I’ve ever met (my niece and nephew) this weekend, and [OBVS] I had a wonderful wonderful time. And the dude, aside from chatting a few days and realizing that we have much more in common from casual conversation following pretty standard work requests [gag. kind of hate us both right now], I’m realizing that he’s kind of a gigantic douche too. Like, the reason that I never wanted to date a car guy. Friends – awesome, I’m in. Amazing sexy-time – palatable, and maybe he has made an appearance or two during me time….. Relaysh or any kind of real feelings – nah.

…and blog’o’rage happening in 3….2…..1…..

I fucking hate that we’re so obsessed with relationships. WHY is that like ALL we talk about? WHY is it all I talk about in this dumb blog? I fucking hate that we’re taught from childhood that we need to meet someone, settle down, have babies and THEN we’ll be happy. What fucking bullshit. I really blame that ridiculous thinking for all of my heartache (ever) and I really really would like to just boycott the entire idea of a relationship to last forever and all of that bullshit. Can’t it just be as simple as “we connected. we had an amazing time”? I mean, I get it. I know that being in a long-term relationship builds things in you that being single forever won’t — such as compromise and learning to stick with it, even if it’s fucking sucking….. I get that. But it just pisses me off SO much that I feel like my life’s not complete because I don’t have a partner. I’m smart, funny, have a rockin job and an amazing family…I have like the best roommate ever and my friends are fucking hilarious (and awesome). I have time to do what I like (art) and I can take care of my own shit. I don’t need someone to fucking hold me at night or tell me that I can’t go out or do what I want. Although, it would be nice to have someone who’s obligated to pick me up from the airport….. so why do I feel like I need all of this?

 

Sometimes you just wish someone could remove your love-organ. (I imagine it’s near and similar to your appendix).

I mean, I get it. It’s nice to have that person that you tell everything to. The one who’s your partner in crime…who gets you. It’s just awful that it’s all we really care about.

This has been a rage-post from your favorite douche, the Fabz. Stay wonderful, bloggstaches. You’re so wonderful that you don’t NEED bs romantic love. Unless you want it. Then you can have it.

xx

L

Blue Skies, Broken Hearts. Next 12 Exits: on crying, and sadness and a squished heart.

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I’ve used the first part of this title before, but it’s never been as relevant. 

My heart hurts.  I’m broken-hearted.  I feel like my heart squished.  I’m going to vom my heart all over everyone because I’m sad.

This is not like me. I don’t sit around for days and sulk about people – especially people that I don’t know. Well, I wouldn’t say it’s about this person…it’s more the situation.  But first, some history:

It’s been a very long time since I’ve really connected with someone.  It’s been about a year. Normally, I’m a douche. I meet someone and while they’re a cool person, I can’t connect – i just don’t like them like that.   I’d started to wonder if I’d ever meet someone again that I was really into.

and then I met someone… Well, I met this person a few months ago, and we’d been exchanging witty texts the entire time.  So then, while he was in town this weekend, we had drinks and joked around and had…..a wonderful weekend.  Cuddling and hand holding and all of those lovely things that you do when you’re into someone. Like, watching cartoons for an entire night and laughing.

It felt so good.  Connecting with someone like that was…..so refreshing.  My heart woke up.

I’d told myself that this was just a weekend thing, I made myself remember that this was not something that we’d set up to be forever.  But, of course, I fell and now, all that I want, is to get a call or a text….I’m a typical broken-hearted lover.

[there are other details that make it impossible for me to end up with this person, but I’d rather leave them out.  Sorry, guys.]

So now I’m sad and don’t want to do anything except force my heart to go back where it came from.  The fucker.

I think that in times like these, it’s very important for me to step back and remember how lucky I am.  Here are the reasons:

*I have amazing friends, and a wonderful (hilarious and great) roommate.  I have a great job. My coworkers are hilarious.  I’m super hot (bam!).  I am lucky to have had an amazing weekend filled with a great connection and cuddles and kissing and such. I have a sweet kitteh.  My life is wonderful (sans broken heart).

le. sigh.

Now, to wait and try to get over this shit.  Hoping that douchebag LeeAnn comes back soon. ❤

Stay wonderful, little blogites.

xx

LeeAnn

Reasons why I love my kitteh, part 1.

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Sometimes, I come home, toss my heels off….throw on my big Buffs t-shirt and hang out with my fresh kitteh.  It’s so nice to have her here and here are the reasons why…

she’s always happy to see me…. eventhough it’s because she wants food. It’s so nice to have her meow all nicity nice when she sees me.

she snuggles when I’m sleeping and just chills by me when I don’t wanna cuddle… She’s got the perfect amount of snuggle in her….sometimes she wakes me up with her lovin, other times she just hangs out away from me. Either way, I’m feeling the love from my kitteh.

She knows just what to say when I’m sad.  When I’m all down in the dumps, she meows in my face and rubs her face against me and reminds me that everything is ok.

 

So I went out tonight and was hanging out with all of these people.  i had fun, but came home and had so much fun just hanging with my besties and watching them dance (ohhhhhhh the nerd factor when Prince came on!!)  And now, I’m home, with my kitteh laying by my head and soooooooo comfortable. Sometimes it’s so nice just to have a wonderful night with your friends and than nice night watching movies. ❤ so nice.  I think I’ll write in my journal.

ahhhhh, i just love the kitteh.  She’s so great and deserves a blog post just for her <#

xx

LeeAnn

Kitteh cuddles, deep breathing, and shit we’re not so good at anymore.

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It’s hermit time again.  Hermit time turns into watching tv series marathons (while cuddling my freshkitteh) which, in turn, gives way to my weirdness.  And boi o boi, I’m getting weird again.

BUT, sometimes, my weirdness (and the weird things I decide to take a stand on) seem to be pretty damn important (or just beautiful)…..so, listen up, little blog-monsters…I have a thought……[my apologies if this makes me sound crazy. or, if it’s boring as fuck.]

oh, thanks Owen Slaeter. I’m officially in love with you (and Boardwalk Empire)

I spend a lot of time trying to connect movies and real life in my head.  I like to the situation from the movie (or tv show) and think about if it happened to me — what would I do?  The answer, unfortunately, generally tends to be: I’d walk away, or not engage, or be totally turned off that the person is being so dramatic. Helloooooo, jaded fabulousness… I mean, really.  Sometimes it’s just totally not genuine. I’m not the type to beg for someone back, or to go back to someone after they’ve hurt me…..call me jaded, but I don’t have time for that shit. BUT I was watching a movie the other day and realized that when people ask about someone I’ve just met, or my friends, I don’t do the people justice with my descriptions.  Here’s how it goes:

them: Who’s [blah blah blah]?

Me: Oh, she’s my friend.  She’s pretty cool.

end of description.  Here’s what I’d like to happen:

Them: What’s [blah blah blah] like?  (I really wish we asked what people were like more often….it’s just so…..open)

Me: She laughs at the most inappropriate things.  She loves animals and she’s the wittiest person I know.  And sometimes, when she doesn’t think anyone’s around, she talks to herself in weird voices.

WHY are we not more descriptive?  Most of the time I go into what my friend looks like, when it’s like WHO CARES? I want to know what their laugh sounds like.  I want to know that you really love the way that ze always rationalizes eating the last cookie.

I want to hear these things about other people because it makes me care about them.  The second we say “Oh yeah, ze’s pretty awesome.”  the other person is like “oh, ok. I don’t really care.”  I think it feels genuine.  Let’s be more genuine and unafraid of caring too much.

I think we (and by we i mean ME right now) get so used to not being emotional that it becomes easier to not give a shit than to actually care about things like that.  That’s no way to live our lives.  We say so much every day. Why not make as much of what comes out of your mouth as beautiful as possible? But, luckily, my alone-time/weirdness building is bringing the feelings out.  YAY.

Oh man. I need some deep breathing or yoga or something.

Ok, lovelies, it’s bed time.  Stay so wonderful and don’t be afraid to shine every color that you are…..rainbow that shit up.

This week: Imma be brave and shine more genuine at work.  Alot of crap comes out of this trap of mine….I’m going to make as much of it as beautiful as possible. ❤

xx

LeeAnn

 

 

Sweet, sweet rain.

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Sometimes the rain just clears everything away. Being from Colorado, I feel so lucky every time I see the rain — we don’t get much rain out here.  Especially entire days of rain, or rain storms.

 

 

 

Life, lately, has been confusing.  Worrisome as I’ve had some sadness in the family, confusing because I’m changing…yet again.  Times like these – I get anxiety-ridden.  And so I am…..afraid that I’ll never find a lover (does it really matter? no, I’m happy alone. But still, the irrational anxiety…), afraid that I’m not doing a very good job, afraid that I don’t give my family enough of me….It’s been….a whole bunch of me making more problems for myself….

And so, in the rain, and totally wrapped in my own head (oh hey, high school me.  It’s been a while…) I’m feeling lucky again.  Still outrageously anxiety-ridden, but I’m so lucky.  Lucky for the rain.  Lucky for the (seriously odd) feeling of acceptance at work.  That I’m friends with people that I think are so much cooler than I am.  Lucky for my path in the world.  Lucky for my abilities. Lucky for my kitteh and newfound return to the introverted, super creative me.

OOHHHHH, my loves.  Doesn’t it just seem like I’m always writing and nothing is ever happening? It’ll happen for us soon, don’t you worry.  We’ll have some happening soon.

AND, I painted the wall of my studio, I’ll take a picture and post soon.

Stay lucky, my little blog-drops of love.

xx

LeeAnn

 

Las Vegas and love letters and falling together.

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Las Vegas was a shit show.  I don’t even think I told you I was going, my lovely blogites.  And still….it was a shit show.

I feel very thankful that I have coworkers that I get along with so well.  It goes to show that I will find amazing people wherever I am – and I’m truly TRULY thankful for this group.  It hasn’t been long that I’ve felt like I am cool enough to hang out with the awesome friends I have.  I think I’ll forever feel like the little sister trying to hang out with the awesome kids.

….Las Vegas wassssss crazy.  I drank for 3 days (pretty much) and wined and dined dealers, and got closer with my bosses (which is very important for me, so mission: accomplished) and had fun with my friends, and made some really bad decisions, and had a one- night love/makeout fest…I made memories and didn’t lose too much money…or dignity.

 

And I did.  I wore bright red when everyone else wore black….I was in lipstick-mode for a bunch of it [many of my friends know that when I’m wearing the lipstick, I’m out to party…..shit. gets. crazy.]  I listened to “Wanna Have a Kiki” by the Scissor Sisters the entire time.

And then, the life-changer: My problem was that I got into a really uncomfortable situation with someone that I don’t know at all and it’s sparked all kinds of reflection on my part. I will most likely never see this person again…I’m looking at life differently because of it.

So now, I’m thinking about love more. I’m thinking about family.  I’m cherishing comfort and friends that I can just be around and talk to. I’m thinking a lot about life and karma and compassion.  And I can feel it in my heart (it’s been sooooo long).

Side note: I’ve been watching Boardwalk Empire and am IN LOVE with Owen Slaeter.  Le. Sigh.  [I think it’s the smile, sometimes I think to myself: my soulmate will be a person with a good smile.  And people will look at us and think “there go the two with the great smiles…”]  And…..cue the fantastic smile:

It’s like I’m suddenly attracted to the youthful sweet type…where like a month ago I was attracted to the strong no-bullshit type.

Things are happening as they’re supposed to.  I’m more worried about the future than I’ve ever been, but I’m also more trusting of it.

The love notes.

As you know, I now have an art studio. The previous tenant left boxes of her stuff in it.  So, last Friday, I was in my studio painting with an amazing friend and going through all of the boxes, when I found the previous tenant’s journal and some love notes.

They were so sweet and written in such emotional language.  It’s so refreshing to read such emotional honesty.  It’s like we’re all so numb and plugged up…and…to be honest I miss that stuff.  I just…. kind of miss it.

And now for the time when I list the stuff I’m going to try to focus on:  I want to get back to being so thankful for living. I want to adore the people around me for who they are.  I want to paint, with all that I have…all of my heart and soul. I want to live with compassion and still be strong and still do well at my job.  I want to be great.

Annnnnnnd that’s that. Sorry for the lack of post lately.  I’ll post more soon.

Stay sweet my wonderful little blog monsters.

xx

LeeAnn

 

 

 

sometimes it just all clears up….

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I didn’t want to go out the other night. I wanted to go home and sit around and read and do nothing.  But then JG (one of my most favorite people in the whole world) coerced me into grabbing some beers with the guys.

wait. let’s rewind.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been hopelessly in love with someone.  Even a moment of total “omgyou’resowonderfulithinki’mgoingtodieAND-ithinkthere’ssuchthingassoulmates…”  I’ve been hanging with some pretty amazing people, but I haven’t had that feeling, that “I can’t help myself, you’re so great” feeling. Srsly. It has been FOREVER.

SO, I was hanging out with JG the other night (FAVORITE!) and we were chatting, and we started talking about homophobia and he was all standy-uppie for me and saying things like “what’s wrong with people?”.  So, then, we were walking out of the bar we were at and I looked back at him and he was walking outside, smoking a cigarette, with his sunglasses on, in his work clothes….looking all Christian Grey hottness (yes I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey….fuck you for judging me.).  Then he said “hey LeeAnn, i just want you to know that I love you…” me: “thanks, JG.”   him: “whatever happens, Obama, whatever…..I love you.” lesigh.  A) he was all super sexy looking.  B) he’s all douche and jerky but he still has a wonderful soft side.  OH. MAN.

But then….I got all whatev again, the next day.

 So now I’m sitting at home, with my roomie and oldest (also super awesome) friend, Briz.  And after a crazy day, I’m happy.  I’m a tiny bit drunk, but mostly just super lucky and happy.  And thinking about my awesome coworkers and how awkward the birthday tomorrow will be (I’ll def write more tomorrow, I’m forced to be at my computer until like 10 PM tomorrow night).

Anyway, stay amazing, lovelies.  ❤

 

xx

Leeann