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I had an intense therapy sesh today… It was all connected to hurtful memories and body image and my inability to be intimate.  I can’t help but think about how important it is to keep an open heart.  I’ve been trying to keep my heart open and accept all potential lovers…but, shit it’s been hard.

I haven’t written because I’ve been emo and busy as fuck.  I’m sorry. I’m really going to try to write more.

I haven’t fallen in love because I’ve had a very hard time meeting someone I trust enough to love.  And the people I meet, seem to just want to bang.

I’ve been excited about my time up here in the great north (HAY FARGO), because I’m more healthy and I’m losing weight.  I’m still chubby though…and trying to be totally ok with it.

I’ve been working hard and trying to kick ass.  I have been working overtime, trying to go above and beyond, and pushing past my comfort zone.

I’m in the middle of a few awkward….relationship…things….and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to navigate that shit. [for a chubby lesbian, I pull shit tons of cock…]

And therapy is fucking my shit up.  Talk about inspiring me to question myself and self-analyze. 

My thoughts? Aw, I thought you’d never ask. I don’t know where I stopped really loving myself.  I don’t know if it ever actually started– i mean it had to have started, I’m pretty fucking full of myself.  I don’t know what it is about being alone that makes a person (or a chubby lesbian, if you will) feel so….alone.  

Things keep pointing towards keeping ma’heart open.  Talks with le therapist [while riveting, I’ll spare you the awkward details] have been surrounding my quasi-relationship/crushes/bang sessions.  We’ve been chatting about my inability to be intimate [which isn’t entirely true, I’ve had relationships, it’s just a little more tough to fall head over heels these days]. She tells me that all I can do is wait it out and figure it out when I meet someone that strikes me.  It could be a while….and it’s going to take some bravery.  But in the meantime, I’m keeping myself busy (haaaay).

Fargo. In Fargo, I haven’t met anyone that really blows me away, I’m talking to a few people on OKCupid, which is exciting but going very slowly.   I’ll keep you abreast of my situations as they happen.  

Until then, lovelies…

xoL 

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