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I haven’t written in a while. I’m sorry. I’ve been moving and sad and happy and just trying to settle into life in the Great North.

There’s something about leaving everything you know to live where you’ve never been. I’ve been trying to build a place here where I can be happy, but really, all I can do is sit around (force myself to go running when I start becoming a real asshole) and watch True Blood. MY LORD, that fucking show is so good, and so fucking hot, I could die.  I will die.Image

Le. Sigh.  Someone get me a towel.  That shit is so hot.

I’ve been going nuts. I talk to my cat and the characters on the show.  I wake up every morning fucking miserable.  I have NOT been a pleasant person.  Why? Because I’m sad, I miss my friends and family, my job is stressful, it snows fucking nonstop up here.  It’s just not home…yet.

Bravery.  The last time I truly remember being really brave is when I was dating my first girlfriend.  I knew that I had to make it so we could be together.  But I was a girl from Colorado, with no real experience and a shitty GPA, who was still a year away from graduating.  How was I going to get a job in NYC so I could be with this woman that I was so in love with?  I had no fucking idea.  But I was relentless.  I stayed up all night applying for any and every job.  I was so in love, all I did was think about her and talk to her.  It had to happen.  After a week or so of applying for internships and jobs, I got an internship at a PR agency in NYC.  I was blown away.  That shit never happened to me.  I had no idea how — but I just kept trying, no matter what, and I did it. And I packed up my life, in 3 suitcases, and moved to the east coast for love.   [she eventually kicked me out and we ended in not such a friendly way, but the point remains the same.  I loved her/I wanted to be with her so much that I just made it happen].  I cant remember another time when I’ve been so brave.

So I’m focusing on opening my heart and having compassion. I’m not there.  I’m definitely still a gigantic asshole, but I’ve been taking this time to learn about my life. To remember what I forgot while I was having so much fun in Denver.  To focus on me.  Here’s what I know:

  • I forgot what it’s like to not talk about me.  (kind of funny, because this entire blog is about me)
  • I forgot how to be brave. I’m reminding myself that I can do anything, I just need to be brave.
  • I’m learning to value what I have from a distance.  I love my friends and family, and miss them, but when you’re away, you learn alot about how you can love people from far away just the same as you can while you’re around them.
  • Just when I thought I was done learning how to open my heart, here I am.  Learning again.

There’s more, I’m sure.  I can never get my thoughts out in a nice neat way.  For now, I’ve taken too much time away from my friends in Bon Temps. 

Stay brave, my loves.

XoL

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