My heart has been blue since my sister, nephew and niece left. The way my family can change my life is…amazing.
The comfort of being around my sisters is amazing. When I’m sitting in my parents livingroom, just talking and being myself, I always realize that I haven’t felt that comfortable in months…and when i got back to my apt, i realized that I love being by myself and I feel so stable by myself. Those realizations were so freeing.
I’ve been looking at the world from such a distance lately. Switching from being afraid to be my crazy self, to wondering if I still have a crazy passionate side, to making no apologies for being a passionate crazy artist-type. Is there such thing as outrageously passionate, cant-go-a-minute-without-wanting-to-call-you love? Is that just insecurity? Is it just drama? Is it worth the drama? I don’t know. As you know, I switch back and forth so often.
At the risk of sounding super dramatic and all tragic-poet-y, while driving home today, I remembered laying under my first girlfriend and staring at the ceiling after working in NYC during the day and working a night shift at Starbucks (and being so over-caffeinated) and thinking Thank you, God. Thank you for letting me be here right now. It was a rough time, working so much and exploring my sexuality…so far from my family, or anyone that I knew. I remember the first time I realized that I was attracted to her (this was in college), and I remember thinking if only I could know what it’s like to be with her, if only I could love her for just a little bit…I’d never need another thing again. And that was true, for a while at least. Anyway, while driving home, I thought that maybe that’s what it was about.
But then again, I’ve had some pretty incredible, magical, and unbelievable relationships and connections since then. So maybe THOSE are what love is all about.
I bet you can tell what I’ll say next….yep, you’re right. All of it. I think that all of it is what love is all about. AND, i wouldn’t be me if I didn’t mention this:
…because it’s true. And we should all complete ourselves.
I’d taken 2 days off (Mon and Tues of this week) of work, and coming back today was, surprisingly, awesome. It’s been a very long time since I’ve loved my job. And, while I can’t say that it’s exactly what I want to do, my job makes me feel good. It’s a great job in the meantime….in between now and when my dreams come true.
SPEAKING OF DREAMS COMING TRUE….it’s official. I signed the lease to my art studio tonight. I. Have. An. ART. STUDIO!!! I never thought that I’d have one. le sigh.
Oh lord. I don’t even know what this post was about (as per usual, just babbling. HA). I’ll relieve you of reading it now.
Until next time, my lovely, darling little blogsies.