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Take a job.  Take it because you lucked out, you need the money, and you think your Dad will be proud of you.  Do your job well, because that’s how you were raised, but don’t buy into the corporate lifestyle.  Convince yourself and everyone around you that the job is good because it pays for you to see your long distance girlfriend every month.

Realize the job is good because it pushes your boundaries, it teaches you your lessons. You’re prone to learning things in painful ways.

Let the fast-paced lifestyle build your confidence. Find the courage to break up with your girlfriend. Regret it, but don’t let on to anyone.  Go dancing every weekend, plainly state to anyone that will listen that you’re not ready for a relationship and that you want to be single.

Fall in love again–with a muse; paint and write as much as you can. Open your mind and force your heart open.  Try not to freak out at the intimacy and intense feelings you have. Freak out anyway.

Go to a therapist. Try to believe her when she says that you’re well-adjusted and don’t need weekly therapy.  Continue going to therapy weekly.

Meet men. Smile.  Treat them the way they treat you.  Let them believe that you may like them…smile.  Don’t call them the next day. Or ever.

Drink. Go to every office social gathering.  Come out of the closet to everyone. Value the connections you have with men. Hold them when they’re sad.  Don’t let them confuse your kindness with softness. Sleep with who you want when you want. Reject slut shaming.

Fall in love with a closeted artist. Dream about a future with her, take her to the ballet, and go down on her as much as possible. Flirt with men.

Recognize when they are attracted to you, be outrageous and witty. Realize that your confidence is attractive; ignore them when they tell you you’re not queer.  Smile. Contemplate aggressiveness.  Become aggressive.

Flirt inappropriately with a client.  Laugh when he tells you he loves you.  Assertively enforce boundaries.  Break your boundaries.  Try to take him seriously. Reinforce boundaries.

Drinks with another client.  Don’t react when he tells you his friend thinks you’re hot. Tell him he’s cute, but you are a lesbian.  Smile when he tries to call you out on a lie. Let him believe he knows you well enough to call you out on a lie.  Lie to him to prove to yourself he doesn’t really know you. Ignore the butterflies when he texts you.

Aggressively ask for a promotion.  Get a promotion.  Feel important; take on the new responsibility with vigor. Promise yourself that you’ll do your job perfectly. Start driving a corporate car.  Feel like a douche driving through your neighborhood.  Slightly enjoy the free gas.

Feel secretly relieved that you’re too busy to fall in love.  Continue flirting. Work overtime and weekends.  Go to a poetry reading in hopes to regain a social life.   Believe every word — allow your heart to be blown open.

Break down.

Realize you’re happy.

xx

L

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