I travel about once a month. And every time, I feel like some rogue that’s on the road to be free (probably because being on the road is SO much more freeing than being in the office.) Either way, being on the road makes me feel like some wild-eyed rebel that can’t be caged. I’m kind of like:
I’ve heard that a lot of people who travel for their jobs feel the same. It’s like, things happen on the road that wouldn’t normally fly. For instance: getting smashed on a Monday night, eating McDonalds, or, you know, making the ill-advised decision to fall in love with someone totally unavailable. This…this is what I’ve done.
Yet, as Bob Seger says it best: Oh, travelin’ man, love when I can
But sooner or later I’m goin’ on… and goin’ on, I am.
Maybe it’s the artist in me. Maybe we can blame it on the total lack of good relationship examples I had while I was growing up. But I understand that love…well, love is messy. I tend to fall in love with people who are too…taken or emotionally unavailable. And this is what happened…the Greek happened.
One night, while I was out on business, we hung out, got a little drunk, and…yadda yadda yadda. I figured it was just a fun crazy fling on a business trip. Fun. But, then, we’re talking every day. And he’s saying he misses me (in other languages…btw. swoon.) And I see him again on another business trip. And we’re flirty. And couple-y. And we have magic moment after magic moment when we realize that we have SO MUCH in common. (you know, THOSE nights. when you really like someone and all of the sudden you have SO MUCH in common and you’re instantly soulmates…you’re all “WHAAAT!? YOU DRINK WATER? I DRINK WATER TOO!!! Oh man, this is WEIRD.) So…all of the sudden it goes from flings and fun and whatever to “holy shit, I like this guy. Like really like. Like I want him to text or call and think about me ALL THE TIME.” I mean, we’re talkin’ texts in the middle of the night saying he “always” dreams about me and shit. And I’m all stoked about it. WHAT? Who am I?
le sigh. What’s a traveling LeMan to do?
Le bad: The dude is TOTALLY unavailable. Like seriously unavailable. And it’s not smart for me to get involved. And all of the wonderful crazy risky things you get into while you’re a travelin’ man out on the road, lettin’ your heart run free because why the fuck not.
The good: It’s outrageously nice to have someone love you. To have someone notice everything you do, and love it. It’s also nice to have these feelings for someone else. (ohboi. it’s been a LONG time) And he’s supportive in a way that’s pretty rare. And totally cool with my queerness, and maybe a bit queer himself. And fearlessly in love. His heart is open in a way that mine hasn’t been in a long time…and it’s opening my shit too.
But alas, it must end. The brizzity brain trumps heart in this sitch, because….while I’m trying like hell to keep my heart open…people with clean hearts and good intentions don’t wreck homes. Just because I don’t have the same allegiance to strict monogamy that others might (that’s an entirely other post. I’m comf with a looser monogamy than most others are into) doesn’t mean that I should wreck it for other people….You make a promise, you try your best to keep it.
…now let’s see if I can toss my passion-loving aside and do the damn thing.
Chances are I’ll write more about him soon.