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I’m happy.  OBVS there are struggles (duh), but right now, sitting on my bed with a Freshcat hangin’ near and an open window to remind myself that I’m so. fucking. lucky to be living in Denver, I’m pretty damn content.  

I have theory after theory of why I sometimes get sad, why I’m just a dick sometimes…and why I can’t just be consistently happy.  Well.  I was listening to a podcast the other day and it talked about change.  It said something like: the more alive something is, the more it changes.  Well, apparently, I’m no vampire because I change life fucking crazy.

 I haven’t felt connected in some time.  And those of you who have experienced a certain kind of sadness know, sometimes it’s really damn scary to not be connected.  So I went to dinner last week with one of my favorite friends.  We chatted and bowled and drank some beers and had a really wonderful time.  And the next day, I went out with another friend and we went to all of the old queer places that we used to hang out at. It was a blast.

I feel so lucky that, even when I don’t feel connected, I have these connections.  It’s so hard to remember that.  I’ve been so busy and secluded lately that I expect all of my friends to not be there when I come back.  But, the amazing thing is that the real ones…they’re still there.

Right now, I’m trying hard to accept change, to keep this heart open and to let things happen…to be the good person that I know I am (well….and still a douche.)  I’ve been so closed off lately – it’s time, you douchey little heart, open the fuck up!

I went out to some gay bars the other night, and every bar we went to, we saw a person who turned and walked away every time she saw us.  Someone who used to be a friend.  THIS, I don’t understand.  Life is toooooooo short to have those kind of restrictions based on asshole-ness.

So I’ve been hanging out with my parents a lot more.  I’ve been reconnecting with my queer friends.  I’ve been reconnecting with most of my friends. 

I drank some beers and had a pretty good convo with my mom last night.  She told me she doesn’t think that I’m actually queer.  We talked about gender.  She was surprisingly pretty open to what I had to say.  And then she told me that I’m getting old and that I need to find someone and settle down.  And I got that awkward, very rare (for me) and intense fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

Now, I don’t normally get worried about this, and luckily, today I got over it pretty quick.  I never really planned on being in a relationship for the rest of my life, I always felt like I was meant for something bigger.   I feel so lucky for the relationships and loves that I’ve had.

And, so, I’m happy.  I accept myself.  I accept my life the way it is.  And I’m ready to move to those wonderful things that I’m meant for.

So.  There you have it.  Another rambling post, full of…well, open-heartedness.

 

xx

LeeAnn

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