Tomorrow, I have to talk to my boss. This wouldn’t normally be a big deal..for most people. But [get ready for some awkward vulnerable truths] I have serious issues with men in positions of authority. It relates to past traumas, to a bunch of them, but when I thought I’d have to go into his office on Friday, my throat closed up, I couldn’t breathe, and I started shaking so hard I had to go to the bathroom and chill for a while.
I’m fucking scared. I’ve been thinking about this all weekend, worried. Trying not to freak myself out. I know it’s irrational. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but I’m freaking out.
Today, though, I had some reminders of what’s real. I sat on my balcony for hours tonight, just listening to the same music my parents listened to when we’d sit outside and talk all night. I finally have a place where I can do that. It’s awesome. I texted with a good friend that I’ve known forever, and I remembered how lucky I am to have him in my life; how much I’ve learned from him and how much comfort I get from knowing he’s out there. I feel this way about so many people in my life. That’s real. Sometimes you’ve just gotta be open to the amazingness you already have in your life.
Alone. My aloneness has kept me in touch with me. I feel so much more artistic. So happy with me. Next step, doing more art (i can never do enough!), intense self-love and tons of yoga to calm my mind.
I’m still scared as shit. But I’ll get through it. And onto what really matters.
Stay wonderful, little blogloves.