So I’ve been sitting here, preaching an open heart, talking about how you just have to keep your heart open. Well, shit. So I’m doing it, all opening up to people and shit, tossing ma’heart at everyone, braving rejection and just generally rocking the struggle that is keeping my fucking heart open. But then- there’s this adorable girl who I’m totally into, and she keeps wanting to hang out with me and talks back to me and kisses me when she feels like it.
It’s fucking terrifying.
Kill me. Now I’m all right-before-a-rollercoaster-I’m-gonna-die nervous before I see her. Like: sitting on my couch, watching Kill Bill and thinking I could die. My heart is beating so fast, I’m going to die. And then I see her and I’m all sweaty and shaky and hand hold-y. It’s ridiculous. The douche-bag part of me is just outta control jack-off motioning and puke-noising all over the place.
Why am I so nervous-scared? Well, first, because I like her. I like the shit out of this girl; she’s nice and sweet and not like any of the others and she’s way cooler than me. But the real reason I’m all scared is because I’m scared my damage and my weirdness in relaysh’s is going to F it up. What happens if I regress into the 16-year-old who balled for two weeks on her couch because her boyfriend went on a family trip? What if I get too into it and lose my priorities? No way. Don’t want that. Not now. Not nevah.
Been thinking a lot about this, and while I may go rock myself a therapist again (srsly, it’s kind of awesome to have someone totally objective to bounce stuff off of), here’s what I know:
1. Life works like this: open your heart, open your arms, trust your journey and what is supposed to come to you will. If you keep your heart open, you will not go the rest of your life without finding someone you really like. It’s too early to say where things are going with the adorable girl, but it’s looking good thus far.
2. It’s all about doing the work. Most of the time, we know what we need to do. How to make our lives more fulfilling and healthy. We just don’t do the work. We’ve gotta do the hard stuff like being alone and being patient enough to really love ourselves and being compassionate and accepting of the world.
It’s time, little love drops. This is our next stage. Remember that we are not perfect, because perfect is impossible, and we are continuing on our journey to make amazingly positive contributions to the world.
We need to do the work, so we can be great. And do great things.
So…I know what I’ve gotta do: stop freaking myself out. Let go. Trust my journey. And FUCKING BE COMPASSIONATE….with myself and with others.
What do YOU need to do?
Much love, my little blogmonsters. Until next time.