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warning: this will definitely be a rant.  it will be angry and honest and probably a little unfair. if you want skip this negative nancy bullshit, that’s cool.  i’ll meet you back at ma’open heart posts. for now, cue the honest, angry rant.

um. fuck you.

I had someone very very very close to me blatantly tell me that they will not accept me dating a girl like they’d accept me dating a dude. I’ve had the people who are supposed to be the closest people to me in the world – the people who SHOULD be there for me, thick or thin, all the time reject my shit because they’ve got a problem with my gayness. FUCKING COME ON. While I usually try to stop and be logical and take a look at their side, if not to empathize with them and be compassionate, to get the whole picture – but FUCK NO.  I will not even entertain the idea that someone is allowed to “not accept” me dating whoever the fuck I want.  ESPECIALLY someone very close to me.  Look, I like girls (espesh cute, awkward, funny ones).  And I feel like I could definitely really like a dude (say he were socially conscious and funny and smart and just kind of great..), but other people having a fucking opinion (either way) just makes it harder.

Like finding someone who I like and who likes me back ISN’T HARD ENOUGH. Like I don’t freak out and get super awkward and anxious on my own.  I don’t need the closest people to me “not approving” or pushing me either way.

I don’t give a shit if you have issues with it.  I don’t fucking care if you had your own ideas about who I’d be with. FUCK YOU, bite the fucking bullet and pretend to be fucking happy for me.  I’m a good person, I’m healthy, I’m happy and I know what I’m fucking doing.  FUCK YOU AND YOUR PANCAKES. Get over yourself.  You dick.

A less ranty note:  (because I feel like i have to say more than just ‘fuck you’ to make my point valid)  I cried several times because of this.  While I know that I’m confident and generally happy and have a pretty good grasp on what matters and what shouldn’t, being torn because I feel like the people closest to me don’t accept me fucking sucks. And being in this position causes me tons of stress.  Stress that I don’t need.  The fear of being rejected by these people, and the pressure that it puts on me leaves me feeling like I’m going to be depressed again and miserable again.  It knocks me right out of this amazing happy place that I’ve gotten to. Luckily, I have amazing friends who talk me back up, but it’s scary.  While these people may feel a slight discomfort thinking about me with a girl, their outward disapproval and unacceptance (new word?) makes a huge impact on my identity, my happiness…my life.

The lesson:  OPEN YOUR FUCKING HEART AND JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.  especially if that person is me.  

[side note: if you feel like your friend/family member is being unhealthy or in something abusive, it’s ok to not be happy for them and to voice that.  but this is a rant. about me.  and I’m not fucking unhealthy.]

Sorry that was so mean and ranty.

Also: huge shout out and TONS of gratitude to those who are close to me and accept me and support me pretty much unconditionally.  You are amazing and I do not know what I would do without you. ❤