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So lately there’s been tons of activity in ma’heart.  It’s just like, moving around in there.  It’s acting all weird, like pumping super fast and getting me all nervous at strange times. [WTF, HEART.] I need to get a grip.  Part of me thinks it’s tossing itself against the walls of my torso, trying to get out, to get free.

free...

I’ve always had a hard time knowing when to control my heart and when not to.  A lot of times, I let it free and my heart embarrasses  the shit out of me…I end up falling in love or being annoyingly supportive. It’s just awkward. And keeping it locked up makes me miss opportunities and regret it.  Sometimes my heart is too willy nilly, sometimes it’s like a fucking steel trap.  I guess this is a lesson that I’ve yet to learn.

Maybe the heart isn’t meant to be controlled.  Maybe that’s what makes it so beautiful.  Risk feeling stupid, tell people that you love them.  Take the fucking leap. Close your eyes and just….jump.  

Sometimes I wonder if I have enough room in my chest for all of the love I have to give.  I know that I come off as a total dick (fuck you for agreeing with that), but lately, this heart’a’mine has been exploding.  And it’s making me kind of emo. I’m sad.  And I’m beating the crap out of myself. I don’t even know what I’m struggling with.  (ok, I know some of it, but I can’t even put it into words to let you nosey little bitches in on it, don’t worry you’ll find out) I’m freaking out about the same stuff that I always freak out about, I’m letting go, trying not to control.  I’m being selfless and trying to focus less on me.  Trying to remind myself to live without conditions.

I’m going back and forth and ma’mind is racing like crazy and I’m trying to shut this fucking loud douchey heart of mine down.  But I promised you, I cant.

choose love.

There’s something to be said for compassion.  Not only cracking open this sternum and empathizing for others, but being compassionate with myself.  I had a moment today, where I actually thought to myself: if I want to get a relationship, I’ve got to get it together and work out more. [I totally hate to admit that. But, along with open-hearted-ness comes honesty.]  Of course, I squashed that self-hate immediately.  Instead of beating the crap out of myself for feeling that way, or looking a certain way, or not being as responsible as I should be, I’ve gotta cut myself some slack.

When I get all jerky to ma’self, and stressed and really, just crazy, my first reaction is to look to others to pick me up.  But, you know what, tonight, my love affair is with myself [haaaayyyyyooooooooo].   Instead of making lists full of what I love about other people, I’m making lists about me.  And you should do it too.  None of us spend enough time lovin’ on ourselves [reeeeaaaallly trying to keep the masturbation jokes to ma’self). 

Look out, bitches, the self-love train is coming through.  Y’all better HOP. ON.  And love THE SHIT out of yourself.

Boom….ski. (the ‘ski is sweeping the nation. My friend is totally a trendsetter)

xx

LeeAnn

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