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Weird night. A friend was having a really terrible day so I went over to hang out with her and help her not feel so alone.  The second she called me, though, I had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t as good of a friend to her as I should be.  I thought: how did I get that way? How did I stop being such a good friend to her? I got selfish. I stopped caring about a lot of things.  So I went over, vowing to myself that I’d start to be a better friend, had a glass of wine…popped one of my antibiotics (I am no longer zombieface, btw. All better apart from the same stomach shiz, which will come into play soon..) We played a game, talked a little bit and laughed a lot more than you’d think we would have…and then I puked.  Oh man.  VOM.  And then I barfed one more time right before I left (hello, never drinking while on antibiotics AGAIN. holy shit.) And, as weird as it sounds, I feel…liberated.  I don’t think it’s necessarily the puking.  I know it’s not the wine (I only had like a glass and a half, all of which is making it’s way through the Denver sewage system in the form of VOM) I feel like I’m ready for truth.  And you beautiful little bloggies get to experience it.  Here we go:

  • I value honesty..and authenticity.  And I know it’s rare. But I value the shit out of it.
  • I am not always honest.  I should be more honest…with those I love, with myself..with the world.
  • Envy is the ugliest emotion I’ve seen on myself and the root of most of my problems with other people. I’ve got to realize that my only race is with myself.
  • The second ugliest thing in my life is the need to live up to others’ expectations.  Whether physically, emotionally, mentally….in my career…clothes…sexuality…whatever.  Fuck that. I’m beautiful and, frankly, I don’t have time or the mental energy to care anymore. I’m me.
I feel outrageously powerful.  I feel like I can take the world on.  And I know that I can tear shit up.  But it’s going to be for the betterment of the world… life is too beautiful to waste in a crazy job where all I’m getting is money…for me.  It’s just not worth it anymore.  I don’t know if it ever was.
So why would we just not like someone because they threaten our status, or our idea of who we are or the idea that we lead everyone else to believe about us?  This is what opening our hearts is about.  Not some soulmate.  Not telling your boyfriend, or your girlfriend that you love them more.  Not even just family.  It’s being brave enough to love the person next to you not just because they’re similar to you, but because of your differences and how much they can teach you.
I’m not a stone cold bitch. It’s hard for me to just hate people…but, as of late, it’s become a lot easier to be unkind.  It’s become a lot easier to be selfish and even a little self-serving. That shit stops now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be kind of a douche (that’s just how I am).  And boundaries will always be set (I take care of my shiz first), but no more crappiness.

Weird post.  But totes true.

xx

LeeAnn

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