It is a risk to love.  What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does?

– Peter McWilliams

Holy hellish week.  You know when things just start to pile up on you, and you kind of feel like the universe is just a big, douchey bully?  yeah. Fuckin’ hard to keep your heart open.  That was this week (and last week?  ‘evs).

But, you know what?  I’m not giving in. Shit sucks sometimes. And I think the thing that’s stressing me out the most is that I’m trying to fit into a label…or a job description….one sexuality, or gender….I’m trying to be this person that’s pre-determined.  If I fuck women, I can’t have feelings for a dude….if I’m going to be more aggressive at my job, I have to give up the life I had before I made that decision.  To be a part of my family, I have to share their values.  To be an artist, I have to not care about money.  To be successful, I have to have everyone like me and approve of my life….STOP.  SAYS, fucking, WHO!?!?!  

You know what, friends? Fuck. That. Who’s going to enforce those stupid rules that I feel like I have to follow?  No one.  Me.  And I’m over it.

Latest love/open heart action:  opening my heart to me and who I really am….and keeping it that way.   

The risk?  People hate me.  They don’t want to hang out anymore or…what? they stop talking to me?  I’m gonna be honest about risks: I’m scared as shit to have a real, I-actually-like-this-person crush on someone. Why?  Because I don’t want to be rejected.  Being rejected for being a dick – whatever. I can handle that.  Being rejected just because someone doesn’t like me? That’s scary.  Espesh when I start thinking about all the nice things I like about them.  (fake-jackoff-motion reflex)  How do I get over this?  Well, I’ve thought long and hard and my only logical fix for this is – love myself more than they can love me.  Then I’ve always got the most badass love on my side.  Risk: Beaten.

You know what makes me happy after a shit-week?  Letting a tiny bit of rebellion out.  So, tonight, I’m gonna do things my way.  I’m going to dance like.effing.crazy.  And I don’t even give a shit. (honeybadger) Inspirational video, you say?  BOOM:

If I have a crush on a guy, I’m going to pursue my crush on a guy.  If I’m in the corporate world and wanna do art at the same time – I’m going to do it!  The only person holding me back was me.  There’s just too many gorgeous things in this life to be held back by rules.  See?

I’m following ma’heart straight into it.  Tonight, I’m stopping to take a look at the stars.  I’m going to be in the moment and cherish the brilliant convos I have with my amazing friends.  And I’m gonna dance.my.ass.off.

Be free, beautiful little blogmonsters. 

xx

-LeeAnn

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